


Million Reasons

by orphan_account



Series: Tell Me How To Feel. [1]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Denial of Feelings, Developing Relationship, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, It’s honestly rated for language, Just gratuitous denial of feelings, M/M, Manipulation, Park Seonghwa-centric, This is basically “we’re both kinda screwups” the au, Vulnerability, except not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:00:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23525017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “It’s not what I want, Seonghwa. It’s not about wants, or needs, or what we’ll gain.”Seonghwa quirks his brows, shrugs the blanket more on his shoulders. Hongjoong sits outside of their little cocoon and the cloud that was veiling the moonlight passes.The shining beams reveal Hongjoong’s expression; heartbroken.“I just wish you could see why I’m still here.”
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Series: Tell Me How To Feel. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1700110
Comments: 14
Kudos: 77





	Million Reasons

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this all in one go, and I honestly think it was somewhat of a cathartic experience. I tend to do a lot of deflecting (granted...not like hwa in this fic but Yk) and I think a big common thing among people like me is just wanting to know someone will stay. So I wrote this, and it really helped me to get out of my head and into a more positive mind set. 
> 
> Nobody asked, but in case you need to hear it, you don’t have to be perfect to be loved :)
> 
> Anyways I hope you enjoy this! Title was taken from the song that helped me the entire writing session, “million reasons” by lady gaga. Real pretty song and definitely recommend listening while you read.
> 
> Stay happy, healthy and safe!
> 
> -love, nana 
> 
> ((TW? There’s mentions of like...suicide but no one has any thoughts or anything like that.))

_“I’ve got a hundred million reasons to walk away_

_But baby, I just need one good one to stay.”_

“It’s not fair, you know. You can’t just come into someone’s life and make them feel special, only to leave immediately after. You don’t just...love someone, and then make them feel like love is just a figment of their imagination, and they should have known better than to entertain the idea right after.”

“What the hell’s your point?” Seonghwa grits out. “You do this every time, Yeosang.”

“Maybe I wouldn’t keep fucking doing it if you could just _stop._ ”

Seonghwa laughs, though it’s completely gutted and just a shell of a noise made for effect. It’s more of a scoff than anything else, not that Yeosang could care anymore for the genuineness of anything that so much as escapes through Seonghwa’s breath.

“Is it really that hard, Hyung? To just...love him? To make it easy on him?”

And truthfully, Seonghwa doesn’t know how to respond.

<<<<

He doesn’t know why he is the way he is.

Maybe there’s a reason, deep down, in which Seonghwa would release his darkest secrets into the nighttime air and shed tears because finally, those burdens are nothing more than flashing fireflies and he can breathe. Maybe there’s some large, overarching ache in his life that means something to someone enough for it to be broken apart in sections and analyzed until he’s got himself all mapped out. Maybe there’s a motive, somewhere underneath it all, that would prove Seonghwa isn’t just some bored and shallow asshole who toys with people and then disappears into thin air when they’ve finally put their heart in his hands.

There’s a redemption story out there, somewhere. He’s sure there’s a Seonghwa out there who is at least a _guarded_ asshole. He doesn’t know if anyone will ever find him though.

So he settles with being rude for no reason. No purpose and no real motive to the way he breaks people apart, just does it because he’s got free time and two working hands and hearts are so, _so_ fragile. It’s entertaining at first to love them, and then when it becomes too burdensome or too boring he walks away.

Sometimes he does wish that he’d take the time to look deep down into himself, just in hopes of finding something. Something worth keeping him for, something to be proud of.

But the least he can admit to is that he’s too scared he’s just depth and depth and more dark, empty caverns. And there will be nothing to discover or unearth. It’ll just be Seonghwa.

And it won’t be enough.

>>>>

“Kim Hongjoong...heard the name,” Wooyoung says. “Never knew the guy, why?”

“Why else?” Yeosang bites. It’s like they expect it, and knowing them, Seonghwa bets they do. Just a simple question can get Wooyoung and Yeosang locking eyes and glancing over at Seonghwa like he’s some kind of campus slut. And he is, to a point. Not physically, because he sees sex like relinquishing some type of shield, but emotionally he’s very greedy with how many people he lets think he’s doting on them at once.

“Was he nice?” Wooyoung asks with a soft voice. It’s like he’s trying to test the waters, to see how bad the damage is this time. One of these days Wooyoung is going to meet and fall in love (albeit platonically) with one of Seonghwa’s playthings and the elder knows it'll end their friendship altogether when he breaks their heart. Wooyoung is kind- loud, sure- but he’s got a heart of gold. If he’s pushed too far into the deep end of feeling like shit then he’ll retaliate. Yeosang too, might stop putting up with his flings one of these days.

“He was a keeper,” Yeosang murmurs. And something about it hurts, aches dangerously in Seonghwa’s heart. _A keeper?_

“Maybe you should’ve kept him, if you liked him so fucking much.” Seonghwa shoves one of Wooyoung’s snacks in his mouth, ignoring the way the other whines with indignance. Yeosang glances at him only then, and for the first time in a long time, Seonghwa sees rage behind his eyes.

“He never so much as glanced at anybody who wasn’t you.”

<<<<

Seonghwa doesn’t know what Hongjoong saw in him.

He’s a smooth talker, when he first meets people. He’s a lot of kind and attentive words, and remembering small things about people that make them light up in glee. Seonghwa is good at playing his heart fluttering cards on easily vulnerable people who are probably more self esteem issues than they are human. When they move past it and get used to the smooth talk, he ups his desirability. He convinces them he’s worth keeping around by tackling their insecurities. Not in a way that solves them, no, but he feeds into them enough to keep them thinking that he’s got their fears all figured out and he’s invincible against them. He can keep the monsters at bay, so long as they keep him close. He paints himself a knight in every single prince and princess story, and people truly buy it.

Hongjoong didn’t, though.

<<<<

When they meet, Seonghwa is drunk. Drunk not only off his ass, but sloppy as it was from hours without sleep or a steady force to ground him. He’s half awake and half god knows where else when Hongjoong gently tugs him down from where he’s standing on the balcony, upper body leaning over the edge just enough to teeter on toppling off or not.

“I thought you were gonna jump, or something,” Hongjoong admits to him. Seonghwa didn’t know what to say to him, so instead he closed his eyes and let the smaller man pull his head into his lap. The air of that night was _so cold,_ still is as Seonghwa relives the memory, but Hongjoong covers him as much as he can to shield his aching head from the breeze. He combs his hand through Seonghwa’s black locks, mussed up from a night of alcohol and stress-inducing thoughts. He just wanted out from his head. He just wanted _out._

“What’s it matter if I was gonna do it?” Seonghwa says, lips cherry red and eyes misty. He stares back at Hongjoong, the backdrop behind the other nothing but stars. A beautiful sight that Seonghwa will forever have embedded in him. That Hongjoong looks this way. Even as he walks away from him, Seonghwa will always describe Hongjoong as that beautiful starboy he met at that party, eyes gleaming with a secret.

“It would have mattered very much,” Hongjoong says quietly. His nails scratch lightly at Seonghwa’s scalp to keep him comfortable. “It would have been horrible.”

“At least it would have mattered,” Seonghwa says softly.

“Not as much as it matters right now that you didn’t do it. Not as much as it matters that you’re here, with me.”

And he doesn’t ever tell Hongjoong he wasn’t trying to jump. He doesn’t tell him that he was trying to get closer to the stars that night, because he just needed to leave. He doesn’t tell him that he was reaching out to constellations and gleaming diamonds in the night sky in hopes they’d save him from whatever stupid shit he keeps cycling himself through.

He doesn’t tell Hongjoong he got his wish that night, when he met an honest starboy who told him it mattered that he was still here.

>>>>

They didn’t start dating, not right away.

Seonghwa tried the smooth-talker facade early on, admittedly. He pushed his way through what he was certain was the initial barrier of awkwardness by playing up compliments, by testing Hongjoong’s waters and seeing what would float. He wormed his way into what he thought was Hongjoong’s heart and after a few weeks, he was certain he had it.

And the smaller had destroyed it all in a matter of seconds, with a passing glance to Seonghwa and a look the elder- for once- couldn’t decipher.

“You’re weird,” Hongjoong said. Over the counter, in his boring and featureless employee uniform as he stocked the shelves behind him, Seonghwa determined the look he was giving him was unimpressed.

He laughed back then, even with his clammy hands. “How so?” He tried to say with a smile. Something in him was already beginning to shake and waver under the sudden scrutinizing gaze.

“Because you say a lot of shit you don’t mean.” Hongjoong stood, eyes less sharp and instead resigned. He sighed as he picked up a box, the small pocket knife going through the tape on top of it so easily.

And to think, that tape had kept everything inside of the box for so long. Secure, unworried, effortlessly acting as a barrier between anything getting in or out. And with that simple pocket knife, it was a seal completely broken.

“And you can’t tell me you mean it, ‘cause I’m not an idiot. I don’t know what you want but if it’s something you’re looking to gain, you’d have better luck just asking me.” Despite his words, Hongjoong never sounded angry or disappointed in Seonghwa. He had said it plainly, like it’s a matter of day and night coming through a continued loop. Like it’s a fact that Seonghwa is acting.

And it felt so humiliating that Seonghwa didn’t respond. When Hongjoong finally looked up over the counter that day, Seonghwa was completely gone. It’s something Seonghwa will never be open about-

But that night, he had gone home shaking.

<<<<

“What kind of good things come from giving someone your loyalty?”

Seonghwa doesn’t remember why he’d asked his mother that, long ago, but he just knows he did. She looked at him like he lost his head.

“Happiness, most of the time,” she said honestly. “And there’s trust, of course. Security, acceptance, fearlessness.”

“Those are all things you can give yourself, are they not?” He had quirked an eyebrow at her and she gaped, looking like he’d directly cursed her and disowned her as his mother.

And after that look had faded, she just seemed...sad. Maybe she was, looking back on it. Maybe that was all she’d needed to know that Seonghwa was never going to bring someone home with a bright smile, or that a son or daughter-in-law would never see the light of day in her household. Maybe something- or everything- about what he had said back then told her he was already halfway down into the gutter.

“I suppose you can,” was her single answer. She glanced back out of the window she was sitting at and her eyes went far, _far_ away.

>>>>

When Hongjoong and Seonghwa finally start dating, Seonghwa doesn’t know how to feel.

Hongjoong looks at him, sometimes; just stares at him. It bothers him the first few weeks that someone is staring at him so intensely, but when he finally gets around to confronting the other about it all he gets is an amused expression in return.

And it drives him mad, not knowing the source of something. Seonghwa’s one skill in breaking hearts is knowing the reasoning behind every move his partner makes. He can always counterattack it, refute any reasoning for their love to be dampered, keep them in and around so that he can drop them on a free fall when he decides it’d be the most entertaining.

But Hongjoong stares at him, continuously, in a way that Seonghwa sees behind his eyelids when he’s trying to go to bed at night. He was the one who’d casually asked Hongjoong out, thinking it was the way that’d appeal to the younger the most. Hongjoong wasn’t one for bright lights and big proposals (he was always one of the more introverted people at their college) but he could appreciate sincerity and quiet declarations in their sparse occurrences. It was what Seonghwa decided to do, and it worked enough for Hongjoong to nod his head in response.

And Seonghwa is stuck in this position where he’s not even sure that he has Hongjoong, now more than ever. He hates those looks so goddamn _much._

One day, lying down side by side on Hongjoong’s dorm room floor, the younger sighs.

“I can never decide,” he says softly, “if you mean it.”

“Mean what?”

“Anything. Anything that you do or say.”

Seonghwa’s throat goes dry. “Is that why you’re always staring at me?”

Hongjoong snorts and turns to his side, pillowing his head on his arm as he stares at Seonghwa’s side profile. At the very least, Seonghwa graces him with a side glance and the slightest tilt of his head.

“You’re a sight to see,” Hongjoong says. Seonghwa can’t tell what it’s supposed to mean.

“What am I, a fucking monkey at a zoo?” His anger peaks out behind the carefully carved mask, he hates it. He doesn’t want to be vulnerable. He doesn’t want anyone to have power over him, not when in this relationship _he_ is supposed to tug at the puppet strings until he gets bored enough to change out the doll.

Hongjoong doesn’t seem to understand the role Seonghwa’s so graciously given him. That’s what Seonghwa tells himself.

“No,” the younger says softly. “You’re not something to ogle or spectate. You’re just you.”

Seonghwa can hardly breathe. He blames the pressure on the way he’s laying, on gravity making nice with his ribs, and he takes it as a cue to sit up. He doesn’t look at Hongjoong, who’s still on the floor.

“Seonghwa,” Hongjoong calls, “I’m not playing nice.”

Seonghwa stiffens. What does Hongjoong even know about _playing,_ anyways?

“I want my share too, Seonghwa. I want my fill too.”

Seonghwa just wants to know what it all fucking means. But he doesn’t know how to ask, so he just shakes his head. _Greedy_ , his brain supplies, _Hongjoong is greedy._ It’s hypocritical of him, but at the very least it gives him a semblance of control. Hongjoong is being greedy, and Seonghwa is acting decent. Seonghwa is still in control, the strings are still connected to someone else.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about right now, all I asked is why you stare at me. You’re saying weird shit I don’t understand, Hongjoong.”

He hears the younger laugh next to him, the sight of his legs and socked feet shaking gently with the force of the wind moving in and out of him. Seonghwa’s _puppet._ _Seonghwa’s_ plaything.

“You’re gonna leave,” Hongjoong says softly. “And that’s okay, but let me have some of my own fun too. Let me look at you, at least. Let me see you.”

Seonghwa’s chest hurts even more now that he’s sitting up, but he can’t think to lay back down in hopes of relieving the tightness there. He doesn’t know what to do and it all swarms in his ears, around his mouth, turns his tongue into sand.

He turns back to Hongjoong, and the other looks just like his mother did all that time ago.

“At least your eyes are pretty,” Hongjoong says softly.

Seonghwa lays back down beside him.

>>>>

There was a period where Seonghwa really liked being with Hongjoong, though the thought might go off the record. Hongjoong was quickly aware of his place as “Seonghwa’s plaything” when it came to the elder, and it never really seemed to discourage him. He was well aware of the implications that came along with his compliance to the way Seonghwa saw him, but in that sense it was also like he’d taken power away from Seonghwa. Without that power, or the constant reminder that Hongjoong was _supposed_ to be the one in need, they fell in line like every other couple and created a natural flow. It was hard to keep the lines clean cut and very much existent when Seonghwa could never really hold anything over Hongjoong’s head.

So he tried his other tricks, in a last ditch effort. He tried to find Hongjoong’s insecurities and hoped that feeding them would make the other see there was some form of authenticity to Seonghwa’s behavior. He could redeem himself in Hongjoong’s eyes, he thought. He could convince him that the ugliness he saw in Seonghwa was a product of his own mind, not of the sharp gaze he had.

He found Hongjoong oftentimes hated the mirror, for some reason. He found that some days all it took to break Hongjoong down was a simple glance in a reflective surface. Hongjoong’s world could crash and burn on the sight of himself alone.

“You’re beautiful,” Seonghwa told him. And in truth, it was not really a lie. Hongjoong was gorgeous in many ways. There was depth to his beauty too. He had a keen eye and a quick wit, and despite the absolute bullshit Seonghwa was always bringing to the table by still convincing himself this was all a game he could win- Hongjoong was always doing his best to be a reliable partner and human being.

“There’s nothing for you to fear when you look at yourself,” Seongha said gently. “Whatever you see that you hate- I don’t see it. If anything, it is something that I adore. Whatever things you can nitpick about yourself, I can tell you why I find it so attractive.”

Hongjoong had looked at him with a smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes. He sat in front of the mirror he had, glancing at himself and then at Seonghwa, who was sitting on his bed. It was like he was connecting dots. His eyes darted around the mirror back to his own gaze, and then again to Seonghwa’s behind him.

And in the end, he stood.

“I know that you say that,” he turned to Seonghwa with a smile, “but realistically, absolutely none of the shit you say is gonna make me love myself in a day. Hell- nothing you say might make me love myself _ever._ That defeats the purpose of me loving myself.”

He walked over to Seonghwa and leaned down, delicate fingers caressing the corners of Seonghwa’s cheeks and jawline. If he’d moved any closer, their foreheads would have collided with a gentle tap. But he always kept that distance.

“Just because you love it, doesn’t make it any prettier. You can tell me why you love all the things I hate about myself, but that doesn’t mean I’ll see it. You don’t just...give it meaning by adoring it, Hwa.”

“Isn’t that all humans are? Loving something or someone to give things meaning?” Seonghwa countered, sinking in the feeling of Hongjoong’s ghost-like touch and the way he could see stars swimming in his eyes. The starboy. The starboy who told Seonghwa he meant something just by still being here.

For what it was worth, Seonghwa would whisper into the night that Hongjoong’s very first words to him gave him a little more meaning.

“Maybe,” Hongjoong says, huffing. He pulls away and there’s nothing for Seonghwa to drown in anymore. “But truthfully, we don’t just love to give meaning. Some of us love because it has meaning already. Some of us accidentally discover meaning by loving.”

“Is life meaningful without love?” Seonghwa said. He’d won. Hadn’t he? Hongjoong couldn’t come back from that.

“Am I beautiful even without you here to tell me I am?”

Seonghwa stared back at him, eyes wide. What gives things meaning? What makes things worth loving? Why do people love?

Why can’t Seonghwa purely and truly love?

“It’s just better, isn’t it? To hear that you’re beautiful, to hear that you’re loved. Even if we can live life without those things, we like to hear them and know they’re true.” Hongjoong looked down at the ground and even without his gaze in view, Seonghwa could tell his eyes were glossing over. “But to me, when it comes to that, I want to know it without hearing it. You can’t tell me those things and expect them to change the world for me. I have to know, Seonghwa.”

He looked up, and Seonghwa saw a fire behind the shine in his eyes.

“The truth has to continue being honest even when it’s just me and myself, Seonghwa. These are things I have to know for myself, and it doesn’t really matter if anyone else gives a shit about them or not.”

Seonghwa liked being with Hongjoong, because Hongjoong had what a lot of people didn’t: honesty. Pure, brutal bluntness. More than that though, Hongjoong had this immunity. Seonghwa could never hold anything over his head, because nothing mattered more to Hongjoong than how he felt about himself. He couldn’t be Seonghwa’s plaything, because he never belonged to anyone from the start.

>>>>

“Get off your fucking ass, and either make something of yourself or go apologize to Hongjoong.” Yeosang rammed a foot into Seonghwa’s side, which didn’t go without a loud pained groan and a few good minutes of rolling in his own bed from pain.

“I’m fucking sleeping, you dummy. Can’t you see the lights off and the blankets around my shoulders?” Seonghwa stared back through the dimness of the room, catching sight of Yeosang’s aggravated expression and immediately throwing the blankets off of himself in hopes of at least dulling it down some. He doesn’t want another kick to the side, despite how much shit he does to warrant one.

(Or, way worse.)

“And I’m tired of your shit, can’t you see that? Get over your sorry ass pride that someone saw through you, and wasn’t breaking it off with you, and go fucking anywhere that isn’t here. I’m sick of seeing you here when you’re the dipshit, not the person who got dumped.” Yeosang reached for something- probably Seonghwa’s ankle- but he didn’t have time to catch it before the other was standing up and throwing an acceptable shirt and coat on. He didn’t say anything to Yeosang other than a very soft _‘alright, fuck’_ on his way out.

He could at least afford to go on a walk, maybe.

<<<<

Seonghwa always goes back to the thought of “ _I don’t know what you see in me”_ when he and Hongjoong get close enough to have quiet vulnerable whispers at the dead hours of the night. He knew from early on that as much pride and false bravado as he had, Hongjoong could at least break it down enough in his own mind to form other opinions on Seonghwa that weren’t made a million times before, by a hundred other people. He could gather that Hongjoong saw Seonghwa probably as he was- a douchebag who had playthings for fun. No substance, no class, only talent in his subpar schoolwork and whoring around people’s feelings from the Engineering majors to the occasional student body volunteers. Hongjoong knew that, saw that, and yet he didn’t walk away.

And it always fucked Seonghwa up every time when Hongjoong looked at him like he was an idiot for thinking he’d leave.

“I guess I’m greedy too, but I think you knew that.” Hongjoong huddled closer, their shared blanket tightening around them and making Seonghwa quiver. The proximity always drew him crazy because as much as he hated to admit it, Hongjoong was even more beautiful up close and he radiated shit that Seonghwa didn’t even know a human could _have,_ much less radiate.

“I go crazy sometimes; I get jealous, though it doesn’t happen often. You make me want to rip my hair out most of the fucking time because I know you’re a _liar,_ but I can’t help it. I know who you are and how you act, but I can’t help but feel like I know more than that. Sue me for thinking this Seonghwa, or maybe consider it a win because I’ve played right into your little game, but-”

“Sometimes I think I’m _special_ to you, Hwa. Sometimes I think that, of all the people you’ve probably sat like this with, I’m the only one that sees the gross and gritty parts of you. I’m the only person who’s actually looked at Park Seonghwa, not Seonghwa the campus’ heartbreaker. Not Seonghwa the smooth talker. Just...Seonghwa. Just whoever that person is.”

“Did you win anything from finding me out?” Seonghwa asks bitterly. Now that someone knows his dirty secret, what good could possibly come from it?

_What good things come out of being loyal, anyway?_

“It’s not about a _reward_ , Seonghwa. We’re not playing a fucking game,” Hongjoong hisses. The stars seem to catch that they’re not welcome because they dim outside, and a cloud covers some of the moonlight to keep their interaction private. “I can tell you all the times I did something that put me above you, or all the times you pulled one of your shitty pride-driven chivalry acts and it actually made my heart skip a beat- but what does any of that matter? Who’s keeping score? Why are we competing? What do you win when you tally our marks? Is the prize my heart? Or yours?”

Seonghwa sits underneath his blanket, feeling small. Like the child he was when his mother talked to him about love. Like the little boy he still felt he’d kept a part of inside him when he gave in to Hongjoong’s pulling every now and then.

“Isn’t it this push and pull that gives our relationship meaning?” Seonghwa asks, and for once it’s genuine. He doesn’t know why they’re doing this. He doesn’t know much of anything when it comes to Hongjoong.

Hongjoong laughs, seemingly mocking. His shoulders shake and pull the fabric of the blanket with it, but when some of it even remotely slips off of Seonghwa’s shoulders the smaller is quick to move back and secure it on him.

“Our relationship is meaningful because it’s ours. And it’s what you make of our combination-this thing we’ve created together, that determines how you see it. But it’s not a game to me, Seonghwa. It’s not a prize I’m after.”

“Then what do you want?”

Hongjoong smiles, saddened once more. The blanket on his side slips off his shoulders.

“It’s not what I want, Seonghwa. It’s not about wants, or needs, or what we’ll gain.”

Seonghwa quirks his brows, shrugs the blanket more on his shoulders. Hongjoong sits outside of their little cocoon and the cloud that was veiling the moonlight passes.

The shining beams reveal Hongjoong’s expression; heartbroken.

“I just wish you could see why I’m still here.”

Seonghwa doesn’t answer him, but he does lift the blanket enough to pull Hongjoong back in, placing it back on his shoulders just like it was a minute ago.

Seonghwa knows that he’s just avoiding the reason why Hongjoong is still sticking around, despite all the times Seonghwa’s driven him elsewhere. He knows he’s got a lot of shit he’s avoiding altogether when it comes to Hongjoong.

But the least he can do is make sure he’s warm under the blanket.

>>>>

The park is beautiful, once Seonghwa passes it. He’ll at least make sure to thank Yeosang for kicking him out of the house later because he finally got some sunlight, and the sight of golden rods casting along the lake makes him smile a little bit. Being normal around someone in a way that simultaneously made him think harder and not think at all established a newfound attention to detail in him. Hongjoong made him question every step he took, but he also made him notice colors and shapes in the world around him enough to not notice he was taking so many steps at a time.

He doesn’t mean to think of him, when he does. But somehow the thoughts always gently guide themselves back to him, like a long drive out on deserted roads just to come back to your own garage and your own warm home. He made some form of a hole in Hongjoong that only he could fill. Or maybe it was always just a vacant corner of Hongjoong’s heart that Seonghwa crawled his way into, so he could feel like he belonged there. Even just a corner, even just a vacant crack that was big enough for him to curl into, Seonghwa would take it.

He doesn’t know at what point he became so desperate for Hongjoong to think of him as something in his life, just that he did. He does. He just wanted to be someone important to Hongjoong that couldn’t be replaced. And it’s fucked up, because in the beginning his end goal was to end up as a hole in Hongjoong’s heart that couldn’t be filled once it was torn out. He wanted to be that permanent scar on someone because then, at least he could live on in memories of other people who viewed him as a prince right up until they were cast out of his kingdom. He wanted to feel needed, and then die irreplaceable.

And Hongjoong made him want to feel loved. As time went on he wanted to know he was desirable, and that Hongjoong wasn’t the one who’d leave him.

Maybe it’s just a testament to how fucked up Seonghwa really is, because as much as he was convinced he gave people a new meaning and kept them held down by creating fake bonds, he’s never actually been connected to someone the way he was connected to Hongjoong.

Hongjoong, who didn’t have a goal in finding out all of the weird crevices that Seonghwa hadn’t cleaned in a long time. Hongjoong, who looked at Seonghwa and was unimpressed by his fronting. Hongjoong, who just wanted Seonghwa to know that their meaning wasn’t determined by anything else besides themselves.

Hongjoong, who the confused, douchebag screw up Park Seonghwa, loved. Who Seonghwa desired for as long as desire could stretch itself. Hongjoong, who made the Seonghwa that was always craving for small boosts of pride, _yearn._ He yearned for Hongjoong to glance at him, to want him, to need him. He just wanted to feel like he mattered to Hongjoong, and he didn’t want to be a scar.

It was the most selfish wish of all, but more than hurt Hongjoong and leave, Seonghwa wanted to have that power of being able to hurt him forever, and never do it. Seonghwa wanted to know that of all the people in the world, the only other person Hongjoong would ever need the opinion of was him. Seonghwa wanted to know that out of all of the hands that would put themselves on Hongjoong’s skin, only his would have the right to make marks and mold themselves to his being.

Seonghwa wanted to hear Hongjoong say that he loved him too.

And it was because of that want that Seonghwa stepped away when he did.

<<<<

“I don’t like you,” Seonghwa said one day. It was so random, so fucking stupid. He came home and the world was ending and Hongjoong showed up and he just _couldn’t._ He couldn’t keep it up. Seonghwa had already given Hongjoong every tool he could possibly need to build a raft out to sea, to travel far away from Seonghwa and never come back, but he was always circling around him without fail.

And it wasn’t because he needed Seonghwa, it was simply because he wanted to be around him. It made Seonghwa feel queasy. He wanted Hongjoong so badly, but he was something he already found earlier on that you just can’t have.

“Okay,” Hongjoong said with a confused expression. Seonghwa knows that the younger already thinks of him as someone who says shit he doesn’t mean. Always saying things so that Hongjoong can just leave, if not come closer and drop to his knees so he can praise Seonghwa. _This was still that game,_ Seonghwa tried to rationalize. He wanted to drive Hongjoong out because he wasn’t winning and it wasn’t fun anymore and-

“I think we should break up.”

“Do you really?”

“I do.”

Hongjoong looks like he’s trying to form words- the answer, probably. Because Seonghwa is so transparent in front of Hongjoong and as someone whose entire self-image is built off of his concealed motives, he can’t help but feel like it’s humiliating.

Not because Hongjoong found him out, but because he couldn’t hide himself in front of him.

“What’s your reasoning for it?” Hongjoong’s question is cold, calculated. Like when you cancel a service and they ask you to leave a small feedback letter as to why you were dissatisfied.

This is what Seonghwa wanted, wasn’t it? He couldn’t have Hongjoong. He couldn’t win this game. It was boring, so he’d quit, isn’t that how it always worked? 

“I’m bored with you, you’re not fun to play with.”

“Is it because I don’t give you what you think you want?”

Seonghwa scoffs. It hurts inside.

“It’s because you’re fucking boring, Hongjoong. You’re piss poor at most shit and you’re introverted. I need some excitement in my life.”

“I can lose, if it makes you happy.” Hongjoong says blandly, and something in Seonghwa boils up into the hurting and it mixes with it, making it worse. He feels like he's burning from the inside out. He’s given Hongjoong all the evidence that he’s a shitty partner, and an even worse person. And yet Hongjoong didn’t snap at him, just looked at him like he was throwing a fit and Hongjoong could placate it no problem.

Because Seonghwa was always saying and doing shit he didn’t mean. Because he was selfish and this was his game, and Hongjoong was supposed to just be his puppet.

“I don’t want to play with you anymore,” Seonghwa said stiffly. “I don’t want you anymore.”

“Seonghwa-”

“God, can’t you just stop acting like you’ve got me all figured out?! You got one fucking thing right, Hongjoong, good for you. I’m actually multi-faceted, even if each side is a fucking jerk. Can you stop pretending you know exactly which part is a lie and which is the truth?” Seonghwa runs a hand through his hair, messing it up as a means of coping with the stress bubbling up inside of him. He wants to scream.

He wants to run into Hongjoong’s arms, for some reason. And it pisses him off so much because his wants and actions never conflicted this harshly before. He always knew he wanted to get something, and he knew what actions to take to get it until he got bored enough to throw it out. The only other people he never threw out were Yeosang and Wooyoung, and even then, there were times where he ghosted them just because he wanted something equivalent to that.

He’s a self-loathing, self-destructive creature. He’s undeserving and unloyal and above all, he’s unwanted.

Hongjoong stares back at him, before sighing and gently standing up from his place on Seonghwa’s couch. He goes to the door and tugs on his shoes, and when he turns back to Seonghwa he doesn’t look unimpressed, or disappointed, or even sad.

He looks...confused. Bewildered. Questioning.

“I hope you say it like you mean it,” Hongjoong says softly. The most gentle tone he’s ever used. “But I also hope...that right now I just can’t decide what’s true and what's not.” 

He leaves Seonghwa behind in the silence of his apartment, and with all the space now to himself, Seonghwa does nothing but scream.

>>>>

“Fancy seeing you here,” Hongjoong laughs. Seonghwa had found himself sitting by the lake side, on his knees with his palms pressed into dirt and gravel. He’s leaned himself over so much that a simple push could get him toppling over into the water.

“I hope you’re not planning on drowning yourself, or something,” Hongjoong continues. Seonghwa pulls back and motions beside him, telling Hongjoong to sit. Surprisingly enough, he does.

“I don’t think I will,” Seonghwa says thoughtfully. He stares at the shimmering ripples that gently glide themselves on the surface of the water.

So pretty, even though they’re hiding chaos underneath. 

“Why not?”

“Because a starboy once told me that just by being here, I mattered. It matters more when I’m here than if I did something that led to me not being here.”

“A starboy, hm? Was he pretty?”

Seonghwa feels his own eyes water, for some reason.

“The prettiest; I just wish he’d see it.” He turns up and sees Hongjoong, body solemn and expression unreadable, and the mistiness of his eyes increases rapidly. He turns back to stare at the ripples in hopes it’ll make the tears less obvious.

“Seonghwa,” Hongjoong says softly. “I just need to know if you meant it, that day.”

“There are so many things I’ve said that you know I don’t mean, Joong.” Seonghwa chuckles but there’s no humor in it, only disappointment. “There’s probably more things I’ve said that hold no meaning than things I’ve said that actually matter.”

“It all matters, even the lies. But I want to hear it, Seonghwa.”

_Even if we can live life without those things, we like to hear them and know they’re true._

“I think I meant it...when I said that I didn’t want to play with you anymore. I don’t. But I also don’t want you to go away, Joong. I know that no matter what I do, I’m always going to fuck up somehow and give you a new reason to get frustrated with me.”

“Seonghwa-”

“But...for what it’s worth, you know me best. Hongjoong, you saw me, the insides and the outsides, and you didn’t run. You didn’t fucking...look at me like a monster, Hongjoong. You told me that you could be greedy too, that you could have shallow desires too...that you wanted something out of it too...Do you know how much that meant to me? You saw the ugliness in me and you tried to remind me, Hongjoong, you tried to show me that you weren’t gonna go anywhere because you were willing to put up with my shit and you _wanted_ to put up with it. And I don’t know what the fuck would have happened to me if not for you, Joong. How could I keep living life knowing that someone now sees me, looked deep down into me, and deems it enough? You told me that you wanted me to see the reason you’re really here, and I do. I see it when you talk to me, when you look through me but still see me. I see it, Hongjoong. And I want it _so fucking bad_ that I don’t know what to do most of the time.”

Hongjoong moves closer, scooting along the grass until he’s sitting with one of his thighs pressing to Seonghwa’s. He’s got his knees pulled up and he looks small, smaller than usual, but he’s also got that same fire in his eyes that he did the time they talked about his appearance.

“Seonghwa,” he says with resolution. It demands Seonghwa’s attention, despite them both knowing it’d more than likely not go to anyone else now. “You’re fucked up, we both know it. You play with people’s feelings and take pride in breaking their hearts, and you’re always saying and doing shit that you and I both know don’t actually have any face value. You’re...you’re insecure, Hwa. And you’re stupid enough to avoid and ignore any of your insecurities or problems because your coping mechanism is absolute shit, but I don’t hate it. I don’t hate that I have to navigate some of the things you do, even if I get tired of it. I don’t hate that you’re always fucking around and giving me a hard time, making it difficult for me when I’m trying to be honest and open. It’s not...I know it’s not ideal, but it works, doesn’t it?”

“Does it?” Seonghwa asks, softly. “Does it really work?”

“Seonghwa, I’ve got so many reasons to walk away from what we have.”

“Then…” Seonghwa bites at his bottom lip, worries the skin between his teeth and grabbing at the ground around him. “Why don’t you?”

“Because I have you,” Hongjoong breathes out. “And you’re the only reason I need to stay.”

And Seonghwa isn’t oblivious, even if he’s stubborn. He can’t ignore or avoid the fact that Hongjoong is staying for him, despite all of the shit he’s put him through. Because time and again, knowing fully well that he could always go somewhere where he’d be treated better and have an easier, far more lighthearted romance, Hongjoong always chose to stay where Seonghwa was. He chose to stay and analyze the many deflections that Seonghwa was always living behind. He could have had anything else. He could have gone out in search of anything else.

He could have run away from Seonghwa, but he always stayed.

“I love you,” Seonghwa says suddenly, the words tumbling and rushing themselves out of his mouth before he can catch up to them with thoughts. “And I hope you know it’s me saying that, the Seonghwa you know and can decipher. I hope you know that I yearn for you so much and you make me want to learn how to fucking act right so I don’t hurt you so much, and I don’t know how but I swear to you I’m going to-”

“Seonghwa,” Hongjoong says sternly, effectively shutting him up.

“We’re gonna get through this together, okay? Slow down.” Hongjoong rests his head on Seonghwa’s shoulder, the warmth of his body bringing Seonghwa’s overspeeding mind back to earth and calming him.

“I love you too, Hwa. I love you so much that even if the bad reasons always outweigh the good for as long as we’re together, I’d stay just because it’s you.”

Seonghwa can crane his head enough just to give Hongjoong a soft kiss.

>>>>

“I’m glad you did what you did,” Yeosang says. Wooyoung nods boisterously in pride for his friend. “Now that you’re tied down for real, maybe we can stop being your babysitters and start being your real friends,” Wooyoung snickers.

“You were always my real friends, I was just an ass.” Seonghwa laughs, popping more of Wooyoung’s snacks into his mouth. He still whines just like he used to, but this time he doesn’t follow it up with more than a soft pout. Yeosang gives Seonghwa a gentle smile.

“It’s not that hard to just love him and make it easier for him, is it?” He says, warm and yet teasing. Seonghwa snorts at him, watching Wooyoung stare between the two of them as his brain works quickly to connect the dots. He hadn’t seen Yeosang tell the elder off that day, not until they’d met up for lunch later and he’d caught wind of the news.

“It’s hard when you’re scared to do much of anything, but I’m learning.”

“Oh wow,” Wooyoung says with amusement. “He can get you to learn? A keeper indeed.”

Seonghwa laughs at that, Yeosang, too, chuckling gently.

He doesn’t know if a reason will ever come for Hongjoong to leave, or for him to act out again, but he knows that at the very least they will work through it together. There will probably come a day where Seonghwa and Hongjoong both have to face a million and one different problems. There might be a time, in the distant future, where they’ll think of leaving it all behind.

But at the very least, Seonghwa knows they’re both intent on choosing one another each and every time. And looking deep down into their relationship, and who they are, Seonghwa feels-

That will be more than enough.

**Author's Note:**

> How was it? I hope you all liked it.
> 
> If you made it this far, leave some comments and kudos to let me you know enjoyed it, yeah? ✨  
> I love hearing from you all!
> 
> -until we meet again, nana


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